Connection

Intro

What I have written below is my attempt to give the reader a close idea of the week I had recently on retreat on the Isle of Harris and why I think it’s important to share. This was a 5-day retreat on a sacred, rural island just off the Scottish mainland with 6 men I had been meeting regularly online for just under a year. This was the first time we were all together physically. Reflecting on this trip, I have been finding it very challenging to articulate how and why this was so significant for me. I knew the uplifting peace I had touched during the retreat had a lot to do with connection. Over the last two years I’ve been harping on about connection. I’d do that thing that we all do where we try and relate almost every conversation in which we are a part of to THAT thing that’s consuming us. This is not because I want every verbal communication to go the way I want it, it’s genuinely because I think a startingly high percentage of our issues, both personal and universal, stem from some disconnection. I became transfixed by the understanding that ‘connection’ can be in relation to ourselves, to our community, to our natural environment and to our purpose. As I racked my intellectual mind searching for explanations as to why I could feel the way I did during my time in Harris, it came to me; While I believe I have connected in some way to all of these in my recent past, I don’t think there’s ever been such an intense connection of all four simultaneously.

Connection with Community

This past week on Harris and Lewis Island, 6 brave people gave me an overwhelming sense of “you can be who you are and that’s more than enough for us”. How rare is that? I myself, have several people in my life that I have known for years and decades and shared very special moments with, however I would be lying if I said that I feel I could share absolutely anything with them without the possibility of this altering or shifting their ‘truly being there for me’. I am absolutely part of this assessment also, there were and probably still are certain ‘sharings’ that would have made my commitment to a person drop. I moved away from people when they deviated from the unrealistic image I had of them. Sometimes I judge people for reacting in a way that I wouldn’t, without even considering what may have happened in their life for that reaction to emerge. Judgement feels like the air we breathe in society.

It is incredibly rare to believe that whatever you will express to someone, or a group of people; will not change the love/respect they have for you. We’ve all done, said, or thought indecent things, and when someone can honestly admit that to themselves, this increases the possibility that they will demonstrate this compassion to others. One of the men on the retreat described it as ‘emotional safety’, a description which I absolutely adore. This safety works as fertile soil for acknowledging and sharing what is plaguing or blocking us. I know the 7 of us have our flaws, our insecurities, our moments of judgements and I’m confident to say that had this time together went from 5 days to 15 days that there would most likely be bursts of anger, frustration, and judgment from all of us. However, I firmly believe if this occurred, it would be addressed from a compassionate place. A place that remembers the truth that we have our weaknesses, and while this weakness may be painful to face, it can only be thoroughly examined and accepted when the fear of judgement has vanished. A.H. Almaas put it perfectly when he said:

“Only when compassion is present will people allow themselves to see the truth.”

An old friend once told me that a relationship requires those involved to be working towards something together. A shared goal must be present. This was in a romantic context but as I reflect, I feel that this was another factor as to why my time with these men was so special. We’re all coming from different places, but all committed to working towards an identical goal- to delve deeper into our understanding of ourselves and how we can express this to the outside world.

I think the reason why I felt so safe and secure in their presence is due to the fact that I have consistently borne my soul to them for nearly a year. Consistently we would link online for a few hours and listened to each other’s struggles, fears, and inspirations. It was the first time that I experienced a weekly intentional space where I could release, share aspects of myself that are discouraged to share openly in our day-to-day world. Of course, there are still things that have not arisen, but I raise this point to say that I didn’t fear the illusion of a mask falling. No worrying about a humiliation if they find out ‘who I really am’. So often in society we are encouraged to create barriers, to pretend we are somebody other than a flawed human who is doing things they believe will ease internal suffering. I admire these men because they have consistently reminded me that despite being fathers, husbands, ‘successful’ in the material world etc, the human being cannot escape its flawed nature. And accepting this is ironically, probably the means in which you’ll feel the closest you’ll ever feel to being unflawed (free).

I can’t finish this section without mentioning the level of presence that maintained throughout my time with these people. In a world where our attention is encouraged to go pretty much everywhere but inside, this is no easy task but with people by your side, deeply listening, you’d be so surprised what can happen, it’s sad that it’s so rare to have 7 people gather for a few hours with no checking of phones or dwindling engagement. There were moments of silence, but this was not an invitation to then check an email or whatsapp message. Silence is a wonderful, and I would argue, essential aspect of communication that can scare people. In some circles there appears to be a war on silence, but I must say that company with which I can experience welcomed silence is company I feel tremendously comfortable in. Some of us like to talk more than others, but silence often gives us more than words ever can.

Connection with oneself

Jaysus, how does one connect with oneself? The truthful answer is I’m not sure. I can only speak from my limited experience and through this perspective; I would say you can split this experience in two different departments. Initially, as we have discussed on the podcast with our Buddhist friend Adam Starr, to know oneself deeply, to go beyond the conscious rattling mind, to touch the sensation that at your core, you are loving awareness- this can be described as connecting with the true essence of you. I’ve been lucky enough to enter that space where the mind calms and the heart opens, and I’ve felt temporarily free of my previous preoccupations and insecurities. Every time I return from this place, I sense a greater connection with myself, less attached to my thoughts and feelings – understanding they are all simply passing by the deeper awareness of who I am fundamentally. This, to me, is one of the greatest gifts of being a human, however, this cannot be sustained (at least in my experience) in the material world we live in and so I would also like to unpack a little my second department of ‘knowing oneself’; being able to be present with yourself as you react throughout your day, disembarking from the ego autopilot. From this stance, you begin to learn that certain types of behaviour evoke certain emotions for you and that they are indeed opportunities to explore as to why this may be the case. When I can, I smile as an automatic part of me wants to blame somebody else when I need to take responsibility. I would often lie to people and myself and say ‘I’m fine’ when, in reality, I wasn’t. Over time, I believe I’ve come closer to knowing this part of me, not judging it, not trying to ignore it, just being with it. This is a part of me, and that’s OK. Observing how I respond to a text, to a certain conversation or specific action allows me to see where I’m really at.

A huge benefit from this watching is the realisation that I have certain needs and that I am giving myself the best possibility of meeting these needs if I acknowledge and articulate them. I, for example have a strong need to feel cared for and to be reassured. I spent a large part of my adolescent and early adulthood unconsciously moving towards an optimal level of being ‘likeable’, thus giving other people the best possibility of liking me and hopefully caring for me. Why do I have this tendency? I got curious. My family have never pressured into being somebody I wasn’t. The home was an incredibly supportive environment for me. I was racking my brain for a while, until, on a walk in my local park in Dublin, I remembered something that I have almost totally deleted from my conscious mind- I was bullied for a period in primary school by two lads a few years older than me. Through this lens I can now see my strong inclination to be on the good side of my peers with a greater appreciation. I was probably just doing what I thought I had to do to avoid that bullying situation again, unconsciously of course.

The heavy discovery for myself during my timeon Harris Island was, that I no longer wanted to chase the sensation of being cared for, liked by or reassured by people. I want to feel cared for by people who truly want to care for me, despite seeing the ‘unlikable’ parts of me. The inner child in most of us wants to be seen and heard, but in a peaceful state, where I was able to prolong a sense of presence of connectedness with myself, I understood that I only want to be seen and heard by people who honestly want to see and hear me. I understand we cannot reveal ourselves in an elevator-pitch like scenario to everyone we meet. This takes years and decades. This intention to express myself in a manner which comes from a ‘this is where I am at’ place rather than ‘this is what they’ll like’ place is mostly referring to the people that I spend a lot of time with. This may seem a somewhat banal or obvious discovery, but it was huge for me and while this paragraph is titled ‘connection with oneself’, there’s no way I could have reached this point without feeling safe, reassuredand cared for by a small community of people.

Connection with the natural environment

Chances are, if you’re reading this, you live in a city. Maybe your time connecting with nature is limited to city parks and the odd getaway to the countryside. Maybe you’re not even a fan of nature and would rather stay indoors doing something else you enjoy. I just know, for myself, that I am nearly always at my most peaceful when I’ve spent at least several days connecting and being in awe of the surrounding landscape and bodies of water. What does connecting with nature even mean? Again, who I am to say I have the definitive explanation? I’m a city boy who has maybe camped for less than three of the 1420 weeks I’ve been alive. However, I don’t think this necessarily detracts from what we feel when we have the opportunity to look at the nature world through a different lens. Taking a step back and appreciating the fact that the land has given us so much and asked for very little in return.

Not to run into esoteric realms, but while on this rugged, windy part of the world, I couldn’t help but feel that the natural world can teach you so many lessons if you merely open up to it. In a beautiful Japanese movie called ‘Sweat Bean’, one of the main characters, who carried herself with love and grace despite being ostracised from mainstream society for her leprosy, notes:

“I began to understand that we were born in order to see and listen to the world. And that’s all the world wants of us. It doesn’t matter that I was never a teacher or a member of the workforce, my life had meaning”.

My interpretation of this powerful reflection is that we have a duty to expose ourselves to the natural world (in any way we can) and try to integrate the lessons that this exposure taught us. My time on Harris Island was an opportunity to really see the magnificence of the natural world. Having the opportunity to go face to face with the surprisingly warm yet, ferocious clear blue sea; Feeling the yellowish cream sand on your feet while breathing in air your nostrils are not accustomed to; Coming to terms with the endless bodies of water, intertwined with the friendly mountains. The wind fiercely slapping your face as you look in awe of how the wind manipulates all of the water in sight. There’s so much interaction going on all time, with or without you.  It’s all so much bigger than us but notwithstanding the magnitude of it all, there so often appears to be harmony. I guess time in such an isolated place allowed me to see my life through a different perspective, not the incredibly era specific perspective of: I’m James, Male, from Dublin, works here, earns x amount, doesn’t have a car or house etc but through the grand perspective of; I’m a human walking on this massive piece of rock that is over 4 billion years old, and everything I see now will be here when I die. I am temporarily, physically, part of this miracle. My time here is merely a blink in the existence of the land, the mountains, bodies of water that I am seeing right now. You spend enough time immersed in a natural environment; you realise it’s not about you; it’s all much bigger than you but you have this ridiculously fortunate opportunity to be here as long as you’ll be here. The natural world can provide us with everything we need but makes no promises. If you’re lucky enough to see a Golden Eagle from afar scouting its next prey you’ll get the sudden reminder that it can all end very quickly, that’s part of the terms and conditions of this gift called life. Our society doesn’t really value or encourage deep considerations of death. I understand why, it can be terrifying, but I find that nature can gently nudge you towards this inevitability in a more considerate yet direct manner than any other means.

Connecting with Purpose

Most of us have, in some period of our life, wondered about what our purpose is or even if we have one at all. We live in a world where potential discussion around our unique contribution to the world is overshadowed by bills, what we do to pay bills and countless distractions designed to give us a temporary break from bill-related thinking. During my time in Harris, having paid for pretty much everything beforehand, we had 5 days where money wasn’t mentioned and 5 days away from those distractions we so often befriend for a quick dopamine hit to keep us ticking over. Having this privilege facilitated a special opportunity for all of us to ask ourselves; How did we want to re-enter the world we are so accustomed to? With what intention did we want to bring to our romantic relationships, friendships, work and our interaction with life overall?

One evening, there was a ritual of sorts which required each of us to contemplate our childhood and adolescent periods and to share what came up for us, meaning, what significant aspect of our youth did we want to acknowledge and how did we want to use this to move forward in our future.  Sitting in a circle with 6 other men being absolutely vulnerable, my logical thinking mind took a back seat. A part of me that very rarely emerges took the driver’s seat. I can’t emphasise enough how powerful this is. I had no idea or plan of what I would say but whatever came out felt so natural and exactly what I needed at the time. It was as if I was concurrently witnessing and taking part in an unveiling close to my heart. I won’t delve much deeper regarding the content but what I took away was revelatory for me; the belief that my purpose is to continue living with the love and courage that had been shown to me, which anchored me to the point where I am today.

It’s odd that it felt so clear and concise, especially because I have spent extensive phases preoccupied with what should I ‘do’ with my life. At that moment, I ingested the truth that it didn’t matter what specific job career path, or lifestyle I fall into- if I don’t do it with courage and love. Of course, I’m still working towards finding a position in which I feel useful, where I’m using my own distinctive skills – but I now have the understanding that this position in itself is not my purpose, it is how and with what mindset I carry out this role. I am currently working in a position where I don’t feel like my selection of capabilities are not being fully utilised (like many of us) but I try as much as I can now, after returning from the trip to share those essential qualities that brought me to the point where I am. Following up on the ‘Sweet Bean’ quote I shared above, this retreat helped remind me of what I was born to do. The overall experience pushed me several steps further into the direction of appreciating that our purpose is not restricted by a title, it is how we interact with the world.

I can sincerely say that love and courage are the forefront of my mind as I write this. Maybe some of the readers may know how difficult it is to write and share something like this and the courage it requires. And maybe some of the readers feel the priority of this; to open up to or expand one’s levels of connection in their own life and the profound peace and joy that can arise from it.

Brief Conclusion

I wanted to share this because I felt quite strongly that if these notes resonated with me so much, that they must also resonate with others. There’s a belief in me that we are all searching for something close to the connections I have attempted to depict above.

“The things we think we want are often substitutes for what we really want, and the pleasures we seek are less than the joy that they distract us from.” -- Charles Eisenstein

I believe what Charles Eisenstein is alluding to above are the connection-driven desires the deepest part of us yearn for. This is what we really want. Unfortunately, we live in a world which doesn’t grant a lot of attention to these wants; instead we receive frequent reminders that our wants are merely a purchase/cosmetic surgery/body transformation/swipe/job/drug/holiday away.

 I am so lucky to have a means to share this. I hope this proves somewhat helpful for readers along with my future self, as I will be returning to this as the details of the trip become more and more of a blur. To paraphrase Maya Angelou, I may forget what we said to each other on the retreat or the specific actions of the week, but I will certainly not forget how I felt. I can blame the limitations of the English written word or my use of it but I tried my best to describe that feeling and thanks for trying too!

By James O’ Connell