Struggling to see a light at the end of the tunnel?

The light at the end of the tunnel - a near cliche, we immediately understand this axiom, but how often do we interrogate it? What is the tunnel, and what is the light? What does the light say about us?

So often, this year more than ever, I have heard and uttered some abbreviation of this phrase.
This is us looking for a glimmer of hope during testing periods, a why for our incredibly challenging how. Several days ago I sent a vocal message to a friend stating that currently, I’m finding it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel in my own situation. Walking in the park, with my earphones on, I decided to play his short response. “You are the light at the end of the tunnel”, he said. I smirked, and although it can initially register as corny, I knew there was something in it. I really wanted to examine it.

I thought about how, on an upcoming podcast with our friend and Buddhist teacher Kadam Adam Starr, we talked about love. We talked about the common misunderstanding that we can only love certain people when in fact, it is only our perception of these people or this person that is making you feel love for them. Adam posits that we can cultivate this loving feeling towards everyone with time. I know it sounds unimaginable and I am far from being able to say that myself but bear with me as I think it’s an important addition to this piece. This interpretation of love places us with a lot more autonomy concerning our relationship to the world than often believed. If we chose to take this approach and work with it, then we can potentially pin less weight on an external person or persons to unlock the loving feeling that is already present in us. I know sometimes it feels that only anxious feelings are present in us but at our core we have peace and love. I began to see striking similarities between this take on love and the idea that we can be the lights of our own tunnels.

I thought of how our conventional “lights at the end of tunnel” usually appear as holidays, a job, a job promotion, assurances that there will be an easier, more peaceful time in the not-too-distant future. But I wonder sometimes are we kidding ourselves? As humans, we've got a bias towards short-term future thinking. We like control, and we expect the near future to be more similar to the present than 20, 40, or 60 years in the future (with good reason no doubt). With that in mind, where do we imagine that tunnel ends? If we can just accomplish that one thing in the near-future - losing ‘the weight’, getting the raise – will the shadow cast by the tunnel break and daytime suddenly shine down upon us? Do we think this exit never leads to another entrance? Are we expecting smooth sailing under some bright sun for the rest of time? Or when we look back at our lives, does it seem like we've always been navigating one long, tiresome tunnel?

Almost everything I read from a variety of sources leads me to think that there may not be a necessarily obvious ‘light’ at the end of the tunnel, certainly not for the most vulnerable members of society. For many, it is hard to see anything but further difficulties in almost every aspect of our lives. This is infuriating because I believe it doesn’t have to be like this. Our holding onto a system that serves so little is deeply saddening. I believe our well-being is hugely impacted by the dominant economic system (see our podcast with Guy Standing for more) and the individualistic, materialistic mindsets it creates is also hurting us in ways we don't even realise yet. I want this to change. But it is clear our collective and personal values and priorities are not coherent right now. I don't think I need to list examples of some current polarisations within the general population. I see some of these stances as counterintuitive, myopic and lacking compassion and as much as I’d like to change people’s priorities to match my own, I can’t. Only a fool thinks he can change the world.

While there are clear divisions, many people, regardless of political or climate stance are struggling to reach goals that they believe will render them successful and will make them feel fulfilled. But who set these goals and why are we striving for them? Our desire to be accepted by society expresses both a psychological need and an evolutionary process. And for better or worse, the popular 'lights' mentioned above are pushed by our current society. Yet the more we strive for them, the more trapped in their pursuit we become. There is an unrelenting nature to the goals of individualism and materialism, not at all separated from capitalism – industry’s need to keep the workers working and the buyers buying. To create a feeling of 'lack' within people that can be most conveniently filled with an external 'something'.

Challenges are a part of life and these are undeniably difficult times. We all need something to hope for. Yet when we look ahead, what is it that our future peace hinges upon? Is it a raise, a new house, a better car, a more attractive body, a cooler wardrobe, complete security (does it exist)? Are we hinging our contentness on occurrences that are ultimately out of our control? Are we afraid of hitching our bets on ourselves (paradoxically, perhaps the closest thing we have to something being in our control)?

Some of the challenges that meet us in life are utterly unavoidable and deeply heart breaking. Grief, loss, trauma, physical violation and pain. However, I’m reminded of the Buddhist teaching, “pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.” As an illustration, the Buddha says these painful experiences are the first of two arrows, the principal, inevitable wounds. The second arrow comes from our minds comparing our current state and initial wounds to society's standards of acceptability. The second wound is worse, more difficult, harder to deal with. It keeps us trapped in beliefs that limit us and our joy. The second wound is thus what keeps us striving - keeps us working and buying and obsessing - chugging along down the dark shadowy tunnel, waiting in frustration for the illusive light to come.

Perhaps the same idea that keeps us believing the end of the tunnel is the achievement of a social standard is what keeps us trapped in that tunnel. Society tells us happiness is gained through accomplishment, success and security, while also defining the meanings of these desires. But what if we defined our own parameters? To travel outside the tunnel is to give up the pursuit of social narratives on which your contentness hinges. To see ourselves and the work that emanates out from us as our individual ultimate success - and to try to remember that at every step of the way. That we are not only the light at the end of the tunnel, but we are also the light riding along with us, throughout the dark and difficult parts of life. This is, in a sense, to break free of the tunnel.

So, if we imagined, even as an experiment, that instead of the external accomplishment being the light, and that we ourselves have been the light all along, what would happen? How would our perspectives change, how would our actions in the real-world change? Would you stop giving yourself such a hard time about where you are right now? Would we, in remembering our own undying light, hold it in our minds more often? Use it as a lens to view our troubles, let it build the belief that humans have inherent goodness, let it be the spark of our ingenuity, innovation, and imagination to better society's troubles?

If you are doubting your own ability to act of your own light, I can almost guarantee you've done it before and very recently. When you stick on your favourite album, go on a run, meditate, make a delicious meal; that's you unlocking a more peaceful, happier, healthier you. Making a conscious effort to be our own light at the end of the tunnel may take more consistency and wider application across more aspects of our lives but wouldn't it be such a profound shift? I'm a big believer in community, in us needing a loving, connected support system to thrive and I'm not suggesting we can replace all of that with our 'light'. However, I do believe that unlocking our own light can help us see our relationships (with people, work, life overall) from a different vantage point. That perhaps we were weighing too much on a particular relationship, opinion, idea of success or progress for us to feel content with our lives when in fact, we have a source of contentness within us, beneath the thoughts of 'It would be better if I had x'.

We know from personal relationships that it takes more than us wanting someone to change their mind to actually change. It has to come from within. I heard recently that resistance to change is a desire for sameness, maybe this semantic switch can help us truly consider why this is the case? Why is our desire for sameness so strong?

If we come to the conclusion that our desire for sameness is wrapped in fear, or stubbornness or ignorance, we can change our perspectives and have faith that people become inspired by this change that didn’t occur through force or convenience, but by unquenchable desire for a healthier, more sustainable future for ourselves and others alike. In a famous quote by Marianne Williamson she digs at this very phenomenon "And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” If you doubt this, if you need evidence to back this claim, why not start your own mini experiment with yourself and the people around you? I would love to hear feedback from this in 6, 12 months (seriously, I'm very contactable).

I am aware that there are people right now that are struggling and don’t have the time or luxury to read this on an iPhone or laptop. But what if somewhere down the line they become inspired by a person who was inspired by your personal change? I recently spoke with Saoirse McHugh, a woman who cares deeply about the future of Ireland. I have deep respect for her admitting during our conversations that she didn’t know what was the way forward in terms giving the 'greener future' movement more momentum. She did tell me that she was confident that talking wasn’t the answer. She humbly admitted that she was contributing to this talking while also knowing that it wouldn’t substantially shift things. I believe that she is in a similar boat to me, where we are realising the limits of one person. This realisation can be freeing and entrapping depending on the perspective

Of course, a bed, a warm meal, a system that encourages us to realise collective well-being and personal well-being are inseparable while also highlighting the health of the natural world (that is so quickly crumbling) is our health, is all desperately needed. But I believe this is a long process that begins with each of us. Yes, some individuals have considerably larger roles to play than others in this bigger change and there's no guarantee these changes will happen in our lifetime. If our lights at the end of the tunnel are gigantic dignified goals like world peace, and an end to hunger and homelessness, unfortunately our whole life may seem like a relentless tunnel. But if we are our own light then our work towards these goals won't seem as dark and hopeless. You can see how far along you've come, how much progress has been made, and can witness those around you in the tunnel finding their own light with the help of yours.

This isn’t an attempt to push societal failings on the individual. This is saying (taking external factors into account) perhaps you can be your light at the end of the tunnel and that perhaps you know exactly what that means for you. You may have heard the idea of “trusting the process”, maybe we are the process and we can trust ourselves during this monstrous challenge.

"You can't make your friends change that terrible or self-destructive habit, as much as you would like to. You can't make the system crumble as quickly as you think it should. But we do what we can do. The equanimity is realizing things may take time or I need to take care of myself as well as others. That's not selfish. That’s the way one has an ability to sustain an effort." Sharon Salzberg, 2020

By Jim O’Connell & Katie Owens