Not waving, but drowning
Anyone who knows me well enough would know that I am fan of Loyle Carner, the man and his work. His latest album to date is titled “Not Waving, But Drowning” in homage to the namesake poem written by Stevie Smith in 1957. The poem is as follows:
Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.
Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he’s dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.
Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning.
This poem resonated with me the moment I read it and I was struck by its pertinence and relatability over 50 years after being published. In every friendship group people have their assigned roles; the funny one, the happy-go-lucky one, the serious one, the mother hen and so it goes. Once you are assigned a role it’s very hard to break free from it and be whoever you feel you need to be in any given moment - the show must go on. I was always the happy-go-lucky one and as a result I felt as though it was my duty to maintain that facade as my friends relied on me to uphold the role in order for them to carry on with their normal lives. This was obviously complete bullshit and yet it’s how I honestly felt. Then I reached drowning point, I could no longer hide behind the smile and act my way through life anymore. In short, I was not waving, but drowning. I opened up to my closest friends and began to unload and slowly but surely I could feel myself regaining buoyancy once more. The vast majority of my friends were in complete shock with one even saying “I had no idea! You just always seemed so happy to me…”. Proof that I had kept up my end of the bargain and played my role to the nth degree, but at what cost?
The only person to blame in all of this is myself, of course. Why would my friends ask how I am really doing when as far as they know everything is ripe as rain. Once I pulled the curtains back they were all unequivocally supportive and have been ever since, so why did I wait so long?
If you are reading this in a moment of difficulty then reach out to your friends and family. They are your life raft. There’s no need to drown anymore. If you are reading this and all seems fine in the world ask your friends “how are you really feeling?” and pay close attention to those who always crack a smile and a laugh, for they may not be waving but drowning.
By Seb Siracusa
