Time for men to take responsibility

I have been fortunate enough to be in a loving long-term relationship since I was 17 years old. The consequences of this are that I have never had a tinder account, a one-night stand or gone out to get with someone. Now, I understand that some of you reading that last sentence might start to feel pity for me, but it has allowed me to observe from a distance the sexual relationship men have with women. Unfortunately, some of what I have seen has been deeply worrying and upsetting.

The recent wave of feminism has had some men band together to form a united front against what they call “man-haters” and whilst it may be true that some of these women are true man-haters, I think the majority are just tired of our bad behaviour. I am not saying you have to agree with all factions of the feminist movement to be a good man, but is disagreeing with one or a few factions (female sexuality, etc.) enough to turn your back on the whole movement? Originally, “feminism” simply meant equality of both sexes and surely not many would have any qualms with such an egalitarian movement. It’s an odd situation because most men I talk to individually speak very respectfully of women and show no signs of being bigoted. The problem often rears its ugly head when the individual becomes a group because that feeling of safety in numbers can render some of these lovely guys unrecognisable. I must admit that I have been a culprit of this pack mentality more than once. One of your friends starts it off by boasting about his sexual exploits or what he would do to the girl behind the bar and then all of a sudden, it’s a competition. Who can get the most laughs? Who can say the vilest sexual thing? Who can degrade women to such an extent they are no longer seen as human beings? I have been there, and I have made those comments, so this is certainly not a self-righteous attack on men as I have been part of this problem. The funny thing is, there is an unwritten rule to never speak like that about a mate’s sister or mother, but any other girl is fair game. My question is, what’s the difference? Men aren’t alone in swooning over the opposite sex and objectifying them, women are guilty of that too! The real difference is that 99.9% of women stop at words, whereas some men seem incapable of restraining themselves and feel entitled enough to grab whatever whenever they feel the urge. Some men also feel as though it is acceptable to make crass comments/wolf-whistle/beep the horn making women feel extremely uncomfortable for their amusement. It goes to show that whether acting alone or within a group, men’s behaviour and attitudes towards women can be abhorrent and harmful.

I have always grown up around girls having gone to a mixed school my whole life, but when I changed schools at sixth form, I went to an all-boys school which was mixed at sixth-form level. The first few weeks were a sight to behold. Some of these boys didn’t know how to approach a girl and just talk to them. Having gone to a mixed boarding school, I’ve lived with girls from 11-18 years old, since I was very young, and I got to understand the subtle differences between boys and girls. I have always enjoyed female company and more importantly female conversation, which is why I have so many female friends now. I find that in general, the conversations are more diverse and that they are better listeners, although that is changing somewhat, as we get older and mature into men. However, when I was young the usual conversations with my mates were about football, girls, drink and drugs in that order and that can get rather boring after a while. Growing up around girls I have been friend-zoned more times than you can imagine, and once I got a girlfriend, I was declared a non-threat to girls worldwide and gained the honorary title of “basically gay best friend”. That didn’t bother me too much as it meant my female friends would open up to me in a way they seldom would with other lads as they were sure I wasn’t trying to manipulate the situation into a sexual one. In other words, they felt safe around me. Shouldn’t they feel “safe” around all boys? Are we that bad?

The best place to understand why women often don’t feel safe around men is on a night out with a group of lads. Some are just there to have a good time with their friends, but others are there with the sole intention to get another notch on the bedpost which is no bad thing if gone about in the right way, but that is rarely ever the case. I am a member of the former group and just look to have a good time, and I don’t have to worry about getting lucky, I haven’t had to for the last 6 years. Being the “basically gay best friend” means I often have to be the “pretend boyfriend” to ward off any persistent boys who won’t take no for an answer. What amazes me is that the boys often don’t take the girl’s rejection too kindly and will persist but once a boyfriend comes on the scene, pretend or otherwise, the lad in question will all of a sudden back off apologising profusely. What’s wrong with that you might ask? Well, for me that speaks to the problem at the heart of this issue. The boy in question clearly has no respect for the girl and therefore ignores her rejection and carries on regardless, but as soon as another man lay claim to the girl the boy can’t sputter out the words “sorry mate had no idea she was taken” quick enough. It illuminates a sense of entitlement that can lay dormant or be a wild blaze within a boy. Is it any wonder we feel this way when we see it portrayed in the media and is something, we even look up to? Films and books like "50 Shades of Grey" would have us believe that women tremble at the knees at the sight of an assertive confident man. Women are sexualised everywhere you look for example in films, songs and adverts, but are rarely celebrated for their intelligence, humour or work ethic as these are typically "male traits". This is not an excuse for the behaviour, merely an explanation. When this is the society we live in, it becomes easier to understand why so many of these men see women as not much more than vessels for a one-minute show later that night.

I should make it clear this is not true of all men, there are some honourable, respectful men around. However, I have friends, good guys who have treated or spoke about women in the most disgusting way for no reason at all and I used to be guilty of that too. There’s one example that will stay with me forever. My friend and I were walking through Madrid late at night when two girls of a similar age ran up to us asking if we spoke Spanish. Luckily for them, we did, and they began to tell us that a drunk man wouldn’t stop harassing them and they wondered if we could just hold their hands and walk for 5 minutes until the drunk was no longer in sight. Once again, I was playing the role of “pretend boyfriend”. We of course obliged and took them by the hand and walked on as if we were their loving boyfriends who had come to meet them. Predictably, the drunk stopped shouting and left us alone. Once the girls felt safe, we parted ways but not before they thanked us profusely. I turned to my friend and said “We just don’t realise what it’s like! We never have to think ahead and change our plans based on how late it is or change our outfit! It’s so crazy that if we hadn’t been there, at that specific moment, those girls could have been raped!” My friend, who I must stress is a good guy and honourable person, jokingly replied: “maybe we should have raped them…”. I couldn’t believe my ears and having seen the consequences of sexual assault first hand I was disgusted. I told him in no uncertain terms that, whilst I love him as a friend, I would not accept any remarks like that. I don’t care if they’re made jokingly or not, it’s unacceptable. To his credit, he immediately apologised and said he was out of order. I accepted the apology as it was out of character.

At the time, I was living with one of my best friends who just so happened to be a lesbian. The other housemate, who I did not know beforehand, was also a lesbian. Both housemates had partners and most of their friends were lesbians. One night, they managed to convince me to come out with them to a lesbian bar called "Fulanita". I wasn’t keen simply because I knew that the music would almost be exclusively reggaeton which I have a very low tolerance for. However, I accepted and went along, and although I didn’t enjoy the music and felt slightly out of place, something struck me. I had never seen girls act this way before in my life. They were completely liberated, and it was amazing to see. They didn’t have to worry about some pervert trying to grope their bum as they passed by. They didn’t have to worry that their night would be ruined by a guy trying to get with them all night long. They didn’t have to wonder if being bought a drink meant they were now obliged to have sex. They were free to do as they wished; it was remarkable. I am not saying every lesbian bar is like this, but that was my experience on the night, and it was a lasting impression. I wish every bar could be that way.

The reality is that every bar could be a place of complete freedom and liberation, but for that to be so men need to police themselves. I recently watched Joaquin Phoenix’s speech after receiving a BAFTA for his stunning performance in “Joker”. He didn’t thank everyone under the sun for his award, he instead took advantage of the situation and issued a rallying cry for those in power within the showbiz industry to take a stand and remove systemic racism rather of constantly benefiting from it. He said it was the responsibility of whites in power to tear down the structure they have spent so long building and fortifying. He argued that no matter how hard or how long the ethnic minorities fight no real long-lasting change will occur if the people in power are not willing to loosen their grip and become more egalitarian. He is right of course. Why stop there? Surely the same argument can be made with equality among sexes. Shouldn’t men stand side by side with women to help enforce real change? Haven’t we profited enough? Isn’t it time we supported women and fought alongside them in their struggle for mutual equality? When will we stop seeing it as “us” vs “them” and just see it as “us”? I would argue that man would be better off if we achieved true equality and broke down the sex divide as men suffer from many stereotypes that keep us within a box. For example, we cannot show weakness and talk openly about our feelings. This has, in part, lead to suicide being the biggest killer of men under the age of 45. Another example is that men aren't expected to take much time off for paternity leave which can lead to men lacking a connection with their new-born child and suffering from depression. Feminism would help alleviate these problems too. 

Having said all of this, I am hopeful because I have proof that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Something that gives me a reason to believe all men can see women as our peers and condemn those who don’t. Actually, there are 2 reasons. The first is that there are really good men out there who lead by example and we can learn a lot from them. However, if you are not one of these men and have been guilty of any of the above, which I have been, it can take a monumental moment to change your perception for good. I had two of these monumental moments in my life. One was heart-breaking, the other was heart-warming. As eluded to previously, I had seen what the consequences of sexual assault looked like and it was traumatising for everybody involved. I realised that jokey comments, the odd grope and a warped sense of entitlement can lead to catastrophic devastation if they weren’t nipped in the bud. The second monumental moment was equally impactful but for the better. Put simply, I fell in love. Once I got to witness daily what a blessing women can be it becomes very hard to talk about them in a derogatory manner. The fact that my girlfriend isn’t afforded the same opportunities I have been for the simple fact she’s a woman is stupefying. That’s when the penny dropped for me and I realised that equality is only the loss of privilege and power I was never entitled to anyway. We created this divide so we can remove it if we want. If you’re reading this and think you can improve then learn from my mistakes and come to this realisation before you get into a relationship and you will become a better man and member of society. I certainly have. 

So, here is my rallying cry to anyone willing to listen. If you have had a moment of clarity help others see it too. Police your interactions with your friends. Stand up for women. If you see or hear something you wouldn’t want to be done or said to your loved one step in and stop it. You may lose some friends in doing so, I certainly have, but what loss is that really? I will go one step further than the picture above, remember that men of quality fight for women’s equality.

By Seb Siracusa