You’re always allowed to be better

Childish Gambino or Donald Glover, besides from being ridiculously talented, is a very open and honest man. He wrote a series of notes in a hotel room in 2013 detailing some of his fears about his life and his future and my good friend and I still come back to these notes on a fairly regular basis to remind ourselves of his candidness and the eventual cathartic conclusion to these notes- ‘You’re always allowed to be better. If you want’.

I’m afraid of the future…..Kept looking for something to be in with
Follow someone’s blueprint. But you have to be on your own.

My life right now is fairly unusual for a 25-year-old Western man and even though I believe I’m living in line with my values and learning so much here, there are difficult moments where my mind ponders the possibility of me doing what is expected of me or questions whether I am just delaying the inevitable (9-5 city job, renting a place which is tolerable considering my income, having less and less time to seek the things I’m seeking and learning to accept it as ‘the way’). I volunteer at a community farm in Denmark whereby I’m confronted with internal struggles and have little to no avenues to bypass such issues. This is challenging to say the least and I am still just as unsure as to what my future will consist of, but I am slowly getting away from the thought process of justifying or criticising my position based on a comparison with another person I know or know of. In Glover’s words, I am looking at ‘someone’s blueprint’ as a gauge for my own life. I’m aware of the idiosyncratic nature of each of our lives and I know there is certainly not one way or ‘blueprint’ people should follow. But, even though I know this I still struggle to live like I know this and so very often I find myself comparing where I’m at physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually with other people in my life. This isn’t fair on me or the person I’m comparing myself to, but it’s a process that is proving incredibly hard to unlearn. I make progress but then I’m back at it again. It’s exhausting but reminding myself that despite today, tomorrow I’m always allowed to be better if I want to try helps.

I feel like I’m letting everyone down. I feel that this will feel pretentious.

There are a few people in my life that I feel like I’m letting down, they had a certain idea of what I should do and my failure to follow such an idea has created tension or a slightly dismissive tone. I guess this is another lesson for me as I’ll never be able to reach other people’s expectation of me and living like that will certainly bring a new level of peace of mind. Of course, easier said than done. I’d be lying if I said doing this podcast with Seb hasn’t brought up some anxieties or fears in me. I’ve never put myself out there in such a fashion before and while I’m constantly reminded of the positives one can take from this, I still fear I’ll be misinterpreted, that what I contribute isn’t particularly ‘good’ or interesting to the listeners or that I let myself and the people I care about down somehow. These notes from Glover project a similar stream of consciousness. This past week I was trying to explain to Seb that the last thing I wanted to do was come across as giving advice or ‘answers’. Another aspect of my thought process I’ve been working on lately is how to catch myself when I’m thinking about things I can’t control (i.e. people’s reaction). While I know this, I still fall into mini fear holes that things I can’t control will change for the worse (at least from my perspective). I love that Glover said ‘I feel that this will feel pretentious’. It’s so strange that expressing oneself sincerely can often find itself being labelled as ‘pretentious’. I hope people don’t find this to be such an example but again I can’t control that.

But I can’t be lonely tho. Cause we’re all here

I know we’re all in a similar boat, even the people in my life who I believed to be more ‘stable’ or ‘assured’ in their life have expressed similar concerns and this has picked me up when I get far too critical of myself too fast. By writing this, Glover has given me a text to return to when things seem grim, or I feel misinterpreted, or that I’m failing, or that I’m pretentious, (yes, the mind can be unforgiving). My current summary of it is – ‘Life is like this. No feeling or thought is final. We can make it better’. This helps me, maybe this can help you.

I wanted to make something that says, no matter how bad you fuck up, or mistakes you’ve made during the year, your life, your eternity. You’re always allowed to be better. You’re always allowed to grow up. If you want

By Jim O’Connell